Another decade

1980

Living with my parents and 2 siblings in Minas Gerais, Brazil.

Our family drove a silver Volkswagen Beetle.

At least 3 great-grandparents living.

1990

Living with my parents and 3 siblings in Ontario, Canada.

Drove a red Pontiac Fiero.

Working on my Honours B.A. degree.

Worked part-time at the library.

2000

Living in British Columbia, Canada.

Drove a teal green Chrysler K-car.

Working as a fundraiser for an international humanitarian organization. 

Had completed an Honours B.A.

Met my future husband in November. 

2010

Kids were 6, 4, 1, last one hadn't been born yet.

Homeschooling. 

Married 9 years.

Living in our current house in Ontario, Canada.

In the middle of my Masters degree to become a librarian. 

Drove a black Mazda Protege. The other vehicle was a black Mazda 5.

Three of my grandparents were still living. Brother-in-law had died a year earlier.

Starting 2020

Kids are 15, 13, 10, 8

Kids are out in 3 different schools.

Married 18 years (at beginning of year).

Living in our current house in Ontario,  Canada.

Driving a blue Kia Rio. The other vehicle is a grey/silver Dodge Grand Caravan.

Senior librarian in charge of a branch.

All grandparents have passed away.

From https://www.marieforleo.com/2019/12/decade-in-review-10-year-plan/

What’s Next? What’s My Future?

What do you want to create, experience, or achieve over the next 10 years? What do you want to feel or accomplish in terms of your…

Health and wellbeing?

Finances?

Relationships?

Career or business?

Community and philanthropy?

Our Christmas Traditions

Christmas Eve we go to church, this year my mom came with us. I only ask my family to dress up nicely for church 3 times a year. This is one of them, the other 2 are Easter and Mother's Day.

After church we come home and enjoy a variety of cheeses, kolbassa (including turkey), olives, crackers, veggies and dip, and glasses of cranberry juice mixed with club soda to create a sparkling beverage. 

On Christmas morning the kids awaken to find their stockings. We don't do Santa so the gifts are placed under the tree as they're wrapped, the stockings in the morning add a bit of surprise. 

Mommy and Daddy get their coffee before anything else happens, then hot croissants filled with cheese are served. After a quick breakfast we read the Bible story of Jesus' birth. Then we open stockings and gifts from each other. 

This year I received a Therabox monthly subscription and was really happy with it. It's an "Ultimate self-care relaxation box curated by therapists to boost happiness&reduce stress!" Use my referral link and help me get a FREE TheraBox! https://www.mytherabox.com/refer/Krist-SIHHBTAQ 

We connect with my husband's family (across the border) on the laptop and they watch us open the gifts they've sent us. This year we enjoyed watching our little niece open a gift from us.

Late in the afternoon we'll head over to my mom's to spend time with my siblings and their kids. More gifts, carol singing, and a traditional turkey dinner.

However you celebrate, may it be a time of rest and peace for you.

Swainson's Hawk?

Swainson's Hawk - Whatbird.com

So strange, saw this huge bird on top of the van this morning. It's not usually in this geographic location, though it could come close during migration. 

Remembrance Day

On November 11th we remember those who fought for our freedom. Hopefully we also work for peace.

It's a day, a season, that brings inner conflict for me. I understand that evil prevails when good is silent. I understand that we have to fight back against injustice and atrocities around the world. I am thankful for the reckless courage of young boys rushing in to make a difference.

My family includes many who enlisted. Most survived the war, though I don't know what toll it played on their personalities and relationships. My great-grandfather made it home only to later die from pulmonary issues related to his active duty. My grandmother was only 4 and grew up without a father.

I believe that in many ways we didn't know any better in the 1900s. But now we have research that tells us that our brains are constantly developing over a span of three decades and don't reach adulthood until our thirties. How then can we not only allow but actively encourage young men in their late teens and early twenties to go overseas and engage in combat? We may claim that Canada's troops are peacekeepers, but peace is kept through force.

These are my thoughts, feelings, frustrations this time of year.

Nevertheless, thank you to all of the women behind the scenes, and to these men from my family who enlisted.

Father: 
Ron, age 16
1967 - 1969 Royal Canadian Navy - Donnacona
When he signed up to serve for 5 years with the Royal Canadian Navy he told them he was older than 16. When they found out his real age a year and a half later, they gave him an honourable discharge.

Paternal Grandfather:              

"John," age 17Canadian Army (Militia), WW2

Maternal Grandfather:

Malcolm, age 19
Royal Canadian Air Force (stationed in Canada), WW2

Paternal great-grandfather:

Gordon, 194th field ambulance, WW1

Gordon went on to serve again in WW2
in the Veteran Guard of Canada

Maternal great-grandfather:

Roland, age 23
Canadian Expeditionary Force Battalion

He received a military medal for marked courage and devotion to duty in action. "This man worked unceasingly in maintaining telephonic communication between Battalion and Brigade Headquarters. His duties necessitated him being constantly in the open, and exposed to the enemy barrage, but his work was so thorough that at no time was communication broken. Although wounded early in the operation he remained at duty until relieved, a period of three days.

After returning home from war he died of a pulmonary issue related to being gassed in war.

What makes me really angry is that he was buried in a mass grave at Hawthorndale cemetery on the eastern tip of the island of Montreal. Their records indicated that the plot had been provided by the Red Cross in a section of the cemetery for persons of limited funds. There is no marker to commemorate him, nor can one be placed since he shares a grave with so many.

Maternal great-grandfather:

John, age 20
Royal Canadian Horse Artillery Canadian Expeditionary Force in France

In November 1916 he was listed among casualties. He was later found, having being wounded and suffering a brain concussion. His discharge papers indicate he suffered a gun shot wound to the head.

                                                                                
Paternal relatives:

Harold, 22

Canadian Force, RCASC (CASF) 2nd Divl. Petrol Co

Maternal relatives:

Jack, age 19

John, age 20

Duncan, age 24

Suggested reading:
The Psychology of Going to War

The teenage soldiers of World War One

Why is 18 the age of adulthood if the brain can take 30 years to mature?

Responding to children & families who are experiencing loss

Notes from session at Blown Away Children & Family Ministries Conference in April 2019

"Because Life Can Be Messy: Responding to children/families who are experiencing loss," by Rev. Cheryl Ettinger, BTH; BA; MA (Counselling), Registered Psychotherapist

• About 75 % of people in a congregation are grieving loss at any given time
• Toddlers and infants do grieve - if you are big enough to love, you are big enough to grieve
• Children can handle what they know, they can't handle what they don't know
• Pre-existing risk factors such as learning challenges and anxiety influence a child's ability to cope
• Your body remembers trauma - you may be upset at a certain time of year

Remember: 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 New International Version (NIV)

Resources:

Dealing with death

Preschool (ages 2-4)

Good Bye Moussie, by Robie Harris, 2001 (death of a pet)

Lifetimes, by Brian Mellonie and Robert Ingpen. Bantam Books, 1983

It Must Have Hurt a Lot, by Doris Sanford. Multinomah Press, 1986 (death of a pet)

The Fall of Freddie the Leaf, by Leo Buscaglia. Henry Holt and Company, 1982

Badger's Parting Gifts, by Susan Varley. Lothrop, Lee & Shephard Books, New York, 1984

Never Say Goodbye, by Lea Gillespie Gant. Tommy Nelson: Nashville, Tenn., 2003

The Memory Tree, by Britta Teckentrup. Orchard Books, 2013

Young Children (ages 5-8)

When Dinosaurs Die, by Laurie Kransy Brown & Marc Brown, Little Brown & Company, 1996

I Miss You, by Pat Thomas. Barron's Educational Series, Inc., 2001

Sad Isn't Bad, by Michaelene Mundy. One Caring Place, 1998

My Guardian Angel in my Mourning, by Regina Ann Shay, 1996

The Brightest Star, by Kathleen Maresh Hemery, 1998

When Your Grandparent Dies, by Victoria Ryan. One Caring Place, 2002

Mad Isn't Bad, by Michaelene Mundy, One Caring Place, 1999

Lighthouse, by Robert Munsch. North Winds Press, 2003

Older Children (ages 9-12)

My Mom is Dying, by Jill Westbert McNamara. Augsburg Press, 1994

Sarah's Grandma Goes to Heaven, by Maribeth Boelts. Zondervan, 2004

Healing Your Grieving Heart for Kids, by Alan Wolfelt. Companion Press, 2001

Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss, by Pat Schwievert & Chuck DeKlyen, 1999

Everett Anderson's Goodbye, by Lucille Clifton. Henry Holt Press, 1983

Someone I love Died, by Christine Harder Tangvald. Chariot Books, 1988

Balloons for Trevor, by Anne Good Cave. Concordia Publishing House, 1988

Emma Says Goodbye, by Carolyn Nystrom. Lion Publishing Company, 1990

If Nathan Were Here, by Mary Bahr. Eerdmans Books, 2000

My Grandma Has gone to Heaven, by Alex S. Foxhall. Christian Art Publishers, 2002

Teens
Death is Hard to Live With, by Janet Bode. New York, 1993
Teenagers Talk About Grief, by June Cerza Kolf. Baker Book House, 1990

45 things I'm thankful for

45 things I'm thankful for since my last birthday (in alpha order):

1. Bird song
2. Clothes for my family
3. Coffee
4. Doing nails with my daughter
5. DS1 doing resource sheets on his own (to prep for exams)
6. Finished 3 year term as union vice-president (in December 2018)
7. Flavoured club soda
8. Food in the cupboards and fridge
9. Friend "C"
10. Friend "J"
11. Gift of a European cruise from my mom in October 2018
12. Good eyesight (with glasses)
13. Good friends to share life's journey
14. Herbal tea
15. Hot, clean water for showers
16. I can think about Nanny being gone without being sad
17. Kids' creativity and collaboration on play structure expansion
18. Kids' Ministry team at my church
19. Leave of Absence from my full-time job
20. Listening to ds2 play piano
21. MomStrong Bible study group
22. Money in the bank
23. Morning family devotional time
24. My daughter
25. My husband
26. New-to-us piano (from early 1900s)
27. Online ordering
28. Our home
29. Part-time job #1 at a library
30. Part-time job #2 at a local school
31. Raspberries, blueberries, strawberries
32. Reasonably good health
33. Seeing the Sagrada Familia church in Spain
34. Solid finances
35. Solid job in library system
36. Son 1
37. Son 2
38. Son 3
39. Strong friends to help move a piano
40. Supportive Head of Special Education at DS1's high school
41. Supportive union at part-time library
42. Supportive Vice-Principal at DS1's high school
43. The sound of rain outside
44. Vegetables (radishes, snowpeas) and dill from seeds I planted
45. Visits from my younger sister

Decisions

On November 4, 2017 I began a leave of absence (LOA) that would turn out to last for two years.

The trigger for the LOA was my oldest son's Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) diagnosis. Early intervention is key so having him slip through the cracks and only be diagnosed at age 13 was very unfortunate. See here for our path to diagnosis.

By the time we received the diagnosis it felt very late in the game and I needed to focus intensely on advocating for him.

During my LOA I...
Educated myself thoroughly about ASD by attending parent education sessions and viewing webinars, and primarily by being in the trenches. I registered with the Ontario Autism Program (OAP); connected with Autism Ontario; attended parent support groups; registered my son as a Vulnerable Person with the local police; tried and tried again to find respite providers (so difficult); coordinated video sessions to provide ABA therapy; personally fundraised in order to send my son to Autism focused agencies who would help him with executive functioning and social skills using ABA; protested the changes to the OAP which increased my son's time on the wait list from 12-18 months to 36 months; advocated tirelessly (interesting word because one does in fact become tired!) for him at school; and met with:
- classroom teachers
- special education resource teachers (SERT)
- head of special education
- staff from learning services: special education
- staff from student services: guidance, co-op, student success
- guidance counsellor
- two vice-principals
- two principals
- Identification, Placement, and Review Committee (IPRC) to have the school board provide an official identification of Autism Spectrum Disorder and Learning Disability in Written Communication
- two instructional program leaders for special education
- two psycho-educational consultants
- psychological coordinator for the school board
- school social worker
- language and speech pathologist (handles all aspects of communication)
- child and youth counsellor
- ABA consultant
- coordinated service planner
- autism consultant

Worked on my genealogy research.

Volunteered at my younger children's school. I mainly help the children switch out their home reading books and listen to them read. Taking two kids at a time it takes 2-3 hours to get through the whole class before starting over. I can observe my child's classroom behaviour and partner with their teacher in helping them with challenges. I also get to meet their classmates and get to know their friends. Volunteering has been a great way to have a presence in the school, get to know teachers and administrative staff, and - most importantly - show my children that I care about their learning! 

Worked very part-time as a lunch supervisor for the kindergarten class at my children's school. This was such a fun experience. It is such a change to deal with little people's problems, there is truth to the maxim "little children, little problems; big children, big problems." It's great to be able to resolve small squabbles, share excitement over wiggly teeth, imagine chocolate soup made in the sandbox, get fresh air and exercise (especially on days when I'm pressed into service as a "goalie"), and generally feel like a celebrity with everyone calling your name and wanting to hold your hand or hug you. And I got paid for this!

Worked part-time in another library system a bit closer to home. 
There were similarities between library systems:
- New CEO/Director (head honcho)
- Many changes at the leadership levels (Managers/Branch Supervisors)
- Short-staffing (17 % of positions vacant at closer one)
- Precarious work (82% part-time at closer to home; 56% at permanent location)
- Strong union leadership working to improve working conditions

There were also many contrasts between the library systems:
- My permanent library system has 18 branches, this one has 7.
- Permanent location communicates primarily via email; local one uses SharePoint and considers a daily email from a subordinate to their supervisor too much.
- Both are unionized but local one only in the past year (since May 2018). Management at the closer to home library doesn't seem to know how to lead in this environment and speaks of the union in hushed tones like it's a dirty word.
- Appalling lack of concern about health and safety at closer to home location. The employer was in violation by not having any first aid certified staff during many shifts from March to May. I had to call WSIB and get my union involved with HR in order to finally be sent for my First Aid certification. 
- Minimum staff at permanent location is at least 3 people; at closer location is 2. 
- Permanent location is in a larger city so has corporate security who can be called on to handle extra challenging customers or situations; closer to home library provides no recourse to staff and they are told to call the police if needed.

Working part-time taught me how hard it is for part-time workers to feel like they're in the loop and aware of what's going on at their location and in the system at large. It motivates me to make sure I communicate in multiple ways (verbally, whiteboard, printed info in their mailbox), not just via email since when they arrive for their shift they often hit the ground running.

Not working in the role I'm most suited for - let's just say it, being in charge - was challenging. I thought about how I lead people, whether in a paid or unpaid capacity, and it was at odds with what I was experiencing. I believe in open communication, providing people with as much information as I can in order to empower them in their work. I believe in taking time to listen to and get to know my staff so that I can understand what they're passionate about and how I can support them. I value the "fresh eyes" and creative ideas that new team members bring with them. My goal is to help people develop and grow and my experience is that in order for that to happen there needs to be an investment of time and communication.

After some number crunching and discussion with my husband, I'm looking at returning to my full-time position. I have my husband's support and that is a key element to me. It will be the first time that both parents are working full-time and it will be a new experience for all of us but there are a number of things that lead me to believe we will be successful:
- My husband works near home and the children's schools so there is still a parent locally who can jump in if there's an emergency.
- By November my children will be ages 15, 13, 10, and 8.
- All the children are now able to leave home for school in the morning without parental supervision. We have tested this a few times to make sure. The 13 year old walks the (currently) 9 and 8 year olds to the crossing guard and they walk through the park to school from there.
- The younger children are able to walk home from school on their own if needed. We have tried this a few times, however we prefer to pick them up since we can.
- The children are able to be at home on their own for a couple of hours with the (currently) 14 year old in charge. We have tested this. The two older children have their babysitter's course training.
- My union's collective agreement has strong language for LOAs so I will be able to take them as needed to provide childcare over the summer and to launch them into school in the Fall.

And so... on October 1, 2019, almost two years since I started my LOA, I plan to return to my full-time permanent position as Senior Librarian.

Our Path to the Autism Diagnosis

I don't think I've shared how we arrived at the Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) diagnosis for our oldest son. It was a longer than necessary path and I hope that sharing it helps other parents reach an accurate diagnosis more quickly.

In 2012 (grade 3) we paid out of pocket for a psychological evaluation. In their report they noted that we as parents "endorsed a notable number of items that are typically associated with Pervasive Developmental Disorders (PDD), and Asperger's Disorder in particular." The Autism Spectrum Rating Scale (ASRS) was administered and our responses fell in the "slightly elevated" range, "suggesting that [child] displays a number of behavioural characteristics similar to individuals diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder."

They concluded that "...although [child] does seem to lack some social skills and displays some unusual PDD-type behaviours, based on parental report at this time, he does not exhibit the typical clinical presentation or extent of social/communication problems and/or pattern of unusual behaviours often seen with children with PDD. [...] he does not engage in repetitive/stereotyped behaviours such as hand flapping, spinning, or twirling, or playing with toys or objects in an unusual manner."

Later in the report: "Observations made during the assessment, combined with scores received on behavioural rating scales, were also somewhat suggestive of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder. Significant difficulties were described by both [child]'s parents and Sunday School teacher in the areas of social interaction and behavioural rigidity. However, given his extreme difficulty with attention and impulse control, it is difficult at this time to determine if [child]'s difficulties with social interaction are related purely to ADHD, or to an underlying Pervasive Developmental Disorder as well."

So basically because his behaviour wasn't flamboyantly stereotypical they dropped the ball and didn't provide the diagnosis, instead suggesting that we "monitor his behaviour and discuss this issue again in the future with his pediatrician or primary physician." So what did we pay thousands of dollars for this report for? Thanks for nothing Chapman and Hildyard.

In 2015 (grade 6) we saw a Consultant Pediatrician & Neonatologist who also missed ASD signs and noted he "has ADHD of the combined type but he also has very serious obsession with videogames" and "he has a specific learning disability."

Finally in 2016 (grade 7) my son had a psycho-educational consultant who looked more closely and recommended further testing for ASD. Unfortunately she ended up off work with a concussion, delaying our receipt of her report recommending this. She conducted extensive assessment using direct observation, standardized behaviour questionnaires, the Autism Diagnostic Interview (ADI-R) with me, and the Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule, Second Edition (ADOS-2) with my son. In November 2017 she was able to provide a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, Without Intellectual or Language Impairment. She noted this was clear for the last several years and that there was evidence from Fall 2013.

Knowing the diagnosis was coming, on November 4, 2017 I began a leave of absence (LOA) that would turn out to last for two years. Read more about that here.

What we were thankful for in 2018

Throughout the year we write the things we're thankful for on slips and paper and place them in our "Blessings Jar." On New Year's Eve we read them out and reminisce.

Here are some of the things we were thankful for in 2018:

• a visit to Nanny in January. She was 96 then and healthy.
  Our family enjoyed talking to her.
• a visit from aunts and cousins
• a nice mom, dad, and 3 brothers and 1 sister (ds 3 forgot he was one of the brothers!)
• family, food, friends, and mom!
• food, water, and shelter (dd's favourite)
• delicious dinners by Daddy
• sweet juicy oranges
• crisp crunchy celery
• chips!
• telling pickle stories
• a job that provides for us
• a new (to us) van
• a nice house to live in
• friends and neighbours came over to sing Christmas carols together
• bright white & red Christmas lights decorating the outside of our home
• God's grace

There were more but the slips of paper are long gone!

Want to start this tradition yourself? Here's a useful resource.

My Year in Books 2018

My Goodreads Profile

Word for 2019

For the past few years I've been asking God to give me a word, and a Bible verse it's in, for the upcoming year. 

In 2015 I contemplated Titus 2:3-5 (NIV)
"Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."

My 2016 word was Wholesome, with the Bible verse being "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

My 2017 word was Less, with the Bible verse being "He [Jesus] must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30 (NIV)

My 2018 word was Grace, and my verse was: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

It turned out I needed a large dose of God's grace to get through 2018. As I dedicated myself to full-time parenting, I also learned more about what it means for my oldest to be on the Autism Spectrum. It was frustrating to know what kind of supports he needed and yet have no funding to put any of them in place. I took my skills from my 8 years as a fundraiser and put them to work. I contacted local service organizations, hat in hand, and asked them to pay for tutoring, ABA therapy, and social skills sessions. God was gracious and provided what we needed!

2018 brought the greatest loss of my life - my grandmother, Nanny, passed away in March at age 96. Our relationship was sweet and treasured. I loved her so deeply and the pain of mourning her was all encompassing and physical. In April I learned my children's pastor would be moving across the country. Another loss followed in July when my uncle passed away. God's grace had to be sufficient for me in my gaping weakness.

My sabbatical leave started on Saturday, August 11, 2018. That means I'm due back to work a year from then. I had to put in the request for this time back in 2013. God was gracious in planning ahead, knowing that my oldest would need extra help in his transition to high school.

Indeed I saw God's grace and power in my life in 2018. When I was weak, it was Christ's power that raised me up so I could keep going.

My word for 2019 is "rest" and the Bible verse I have chosen is: The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” Exodus 33:14 (NIV)

2019 will continue to stretch me as in my parenting, my marriage, and my career. I believe God is calling me not only to trust him in the days and months ahead of me this year, but also to be at peace and to truly rest in His presence.

What about you? Do you choose a word or theme to focus on for the year? 
What is your word for 2019?